Welcome to Gail’s Monthly Three; a short monthly list of my three favorite links from around the web.  This month it’s about how having organized space makes you feel better. Plus a reminder about how to reduce stress with self-care. The last one is a note for volunteer work, it’s good for you and your community!  Enjoy! 

Having a clean and tidy space creates a clutter free mind! Here is a wonderful blog focused on organizing and tidying up your surroundings:  http://bit.ly/VacavilleOrganizer

There are so many things to stress about each and every day! Read about how practicing self-care can reduce stress and improve mental and physical health: http://bit.ly/ImortanceOfSelfCare

Another way to improve your mental and physical health is by doing service and volunteer work.  Check out how these activities relieve stress and improve your mood here: http://bit.ly/VolunteeringHelpsYourHealth

Welcome to Gail’s Monthly Three; a short monthly list of my three favorite links from around the web.  I’m going with a little spring cleaning theme this month!  Enjoy!

1.) Spring clean your mind with these seven tips from Yes and Yes.  (Number two is SO important!)

2.)  If you’ve ever struggled with a cluttered, overfilled closet, check out this inspiring viral post about a woman who got rid of her entire wardrobe! 

3.)  Looking for some spring cleaning inspiration in your home?  Here are some great minimalist home tips from one of my favorite bloggers, Tsh Oxenreider of the Art of Simple. 

Who doesn’t love text messaging?  I know I do! 

Texting is helpful, that’s for sure.  It’s great for basic, rapid-fire communication like sending an address or phone number.  We can communicate factual information such as where we’re meeting for dinner without having to make the usual “Hi, how are you?” small talk.  Those convenient delays between messages also give us more time to think of our response.  

Sometimes it can even be a good way to set boundaries with difficult or verbose people.  Despite all the benefits of texting and the “qwerty” keyboards on our smart phones, it can be tempting to get into a discussion or argument about emotionally loaded and unresolved issues over text.  It’s less vulnerable than facing the awkward silences or figuring out how to respond to someone else’s distress.   

The problem is that text messaging is a one dimensional conversation!  The reader misses audible nuances and visual cues like body language and tone.  In fact, a text message is only a partial message because it only contains the content of the message and not necessarily the intention of the writer!   

This article in Psychology Today explains how the content of a message is only 7% communication!  The other 58% is body language and the last 35% is through vocal tone, pitch and emphasis.

For example, the sentence “Sorry I couldn’t make it to the party” could be said with either sarcasm or sincere regret.  The message being communicated can be altered completely by tone of voice and body language!  Was it said with an eye roll or direct eye contact and a hand squeeze?  Which words in the sentence were emphasized? 

This could very well explain the rapidly growing popularity of emoji’s, which provide a variety of ‘facial expressions” which add emotion to their messages.

Misinterpretation is also a problem.  Have you ever noticed that texting is often associated with multi-tasking?  It sure is easy to miss important words in a message because you are simultaneously doing at least one other thing while texting.    

A text conversation doesn’t always convey what we intend. While texting has its advantages, it’s also important to think about it in terms of one-dimensional conversation!  The best way to send and receive messages continues to be face to face. This tried and true method of discussion includes all the nuances related to body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice that helps the content of your message to be understood. Remember there are no substitutes for giving your undivided attention to the person you are talking to.

Did you know that there is a difference between perfectionists and high achievers?

While a high achiever goes for big goals, they also know how to appreciate the process of reaching their goals and the internal reward of personal growth. High achievers know they have to stick with it and keep working towards the goals because their success is not tied to a “one hit wonder” approach it’s linked to small, medium and large goals and they are willing to show up and work the process!  They respect set-backs and failures as part of the journey and find ways 
to keep moving forward in spite of tough blows.  Their focus is on goals and personal growth one step at a time. And it works!  By the way, this approach has been working for successful people for thousands of years; it’s not new, its preservation.      

A perfectionist, on the other hand, will focus on striving towards the outcome.  (And typically unrealistic outcomes!) When these outcomes are not met, more often than not, the perfectionist will allow negative emotions to take over.  These often manifest in the form of depression, anxiety, high stress, blame towards others and themselves.  They may even say things like, “I knew it would fail, I just can’t get anything to work!”, “Nothing ever works out for me the way it works out perfectly for other people...”, “and I’m such a loser!”.  Also, here’s a couple I’m sure you’ve never heard from any self-proclaimed perfectionist – “It’s all YOUR fault it didn’t work out!” and “You’re too blame because things work out perfectly!”  “What’s wrong with YOU?” This approach causes relationship problems, as they project unrealistic standards on to others.  

In the end, their success is ultimately hampered!

Unfortunately, our results-oriented culture tends to prop up perfectionism over our very best efforts.  Statistics, production and long hours are rewarded over personal growth and cumulative improvements.  We are encouraged to seek external acceptance through performance instead of the internal satisfaction of knowing we put forth our best effort.  

The biggest problem with perfection is that it’s a moving target!  The definition of a “desirable outcome” in a given situation is subject to change.  What one person declares perfect, another will find plenty to criticize! 

Fixating on the moving target of flawless results will actually hamper success. In fact, chasing perfection is guaranteed to result in high levels of stress, anxiety, depression and strained relationships.  

Perfectionism is a myth!  Doing one’s best consistently, on the other hand, is the real deal.  Ditching perfectionism in favor of doing your best can produce not only great external results, but wonderful internal outcomes too.

Welcome to Gail’s Monthly Three; a short monthly list of my three favorite links from around the web for your Friday.  Enjoy!

1.)  Is helicopter parenting your teen worse than you think?  

2.  Cute and hilarious dog fetch fails…just because it’s the weekend!

3.  Free yourself from the chains of housework drudgery with these four unbreakable rules. 

Happy Friday, friends! 

It’s probably no surprise to find out you’re giving away something.  I’ll bet you’ve been lectured several times on what you should be giving away.

The lecture may sound something like: “You’ve never used any of that stuff you ordered on Amazon, why don’t you just get rid of it, what are you saving it for?  Or “Why did you even order it if you weren’t going to use it?”

It might surprise you to find out that today I’m not talking about giving away material possessions…or even money or time.  

Feel free to hit your forehead with your hand and call this a face-palm moment.   Here goes:

You’re giving away, your joy!  Without even being aware of it, you’re giving away TONS of joy on a daily basis.  When you’re feeling beat down, burned out, worried, overwhelmed and you don’t know where to go or what to do and you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired (Shew! Even writing that out makes me feel like I’m stuck – and I’ll bet you feel it too!), it’s a classic pattern of being stuck in the vicious cycle of giving away your joy!

Let me explain why keeping some of your joy for yourself is helpful:   

When you make slight shifts in what you do, your mood increases.  You get a bump in motivation, which leads to an increase in more motivation!  The best part is that by making some minor shifts in what you do, you can have more motivation and keep your joy.

How can you limit giving away all of your joy?

First, become of aware of it!   Second, ask a friend or someone who can support you in your desire to regain yourself.  Next, and most importantly, make a list of three things that you really enjoy doing.  I mean really enjoy.  It’s time to make a plan to engage in your own life activities for the sake of feeling more joyful.

It’s helpful to list three things you enjoy doing that are within your ability and means to do quickly. Give yourself permission to do these three things within ten days.

Here are some practical, easy examples of things you could try: 

Spend time with friends!  Reconnect with former friends, meet new friend and get back on track to see your family. Call, video chat, send emails or good old fashion cards and letters through the mail. There is still something very special about seeing a hand written card or letter in the mailbox. That never gets old!    

Schedule regular down time with your spouse or significant other.  Schedule it a half hour two times a week. What I’m talking about here is simple.  Schedule this for an at-home get together.  Get up a little early or have the kids play in another room, or have family or friends watch kids for these half hours while you and your honey just chill.

Get out! Run errands by yourself for an hour, two times a week.  Go out for coffee two or three times a week either alone or with a friend.  This coffee break needs to last for at least 45 minutes.  You need it to recharge. Not just for the caffeine in the coffee, but for yourself and the relationship that you have with your friend who came along.  

It’s the simple things that tug at us every day.  We can become confused with figuring out the difference between what we ENJOY and what brings us JOY and how we GIVE and RECEIVE JOY.  All the motivational posters and quotes in the world can’t make you stop and course correct.  Only you can stop giving away all your joy.  

It’s not about not giving.  Give.  Give with openness.   But also remember that this is about balance and helping you to receive too.  By taking care of you and allowing yourself to be cared for, you’re opening yourself up for joy and fulfillment.  

Hopefully after reading this you have a little more inspiration and hope that it can be done!

A few days ago I was headed to an appointment that I was almost late for.  Distracted and in a hurry on the freeway, I accidentally  cut someone off changing lanes.  The other driver made his disapproval known…a few times with yelling and hand gestures (that intense anger is a story for another blog).  I wish I had driver-to-driver instant messaging!  I’d send him a telepathic message:  “I’m so sorry!  I didn’t see you there!  I am distracted and running late …it’s nothing personal and I apologize for scaring you!”    

A concept I find myself talking about often in my practice is taking things personally.  If we can learn to stop in a situation and assess negative messages  for what they are instead of taking them personally, we can save ourselves a lot of unnecessary  painful emotions!  

Here are my five tips to help you know it’s not personal:  

1.)  Context: When we are taking something personally, it’s  because we are viewing ourselves as being personally targeted.  In reality, most of the time we are not the target. Something has occurred with your spouse, friend, coworker or a driver on the road and it’s a combination of factors that make people react the way they do.  These could be as complex as childhood experiences or as simple as a misinterpretation of your actions. 

2.) Try to Understand the Other Person:   We don’t always have the luxury of knowing everything about someone’s  life, but a little compassion goes  a long way.  We are all capable of doing ugly things when we’re hurting or scared.  There are many things that may have caused that driver to react fiercely to me cutting him off.  I always go back to this quote by Plato:  “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”  

3.)  You’re Probably Not Alone: Odds are someone who is imbalanced and behaving in ways that are negative is doing it to other people too!  If you can, observe their behavior around others.  It’s likely the action is being repeated towards others, not just you. 

4.) Accept Your Own Sensitive Side: It’s okay if you’re sensitive. Many people are. You could fall into the spectrum of being Highly Sensitive.  That’s okay too!  Just know that things will hit you harder than someone else and you might have to work a little harder at accepting that you are not the reason why someone is acting so poorly towards you.  They could be having a bad dad, difficult times, the list goes on and on.  You just happen to be in the path of their personal tornado.  

5.) Address the Past:  When we can look at ourselves, identify past wounds, and focus on resolving our pain , we are less vulnerable to be so easily hurt by others.  

Next time you find yourself in a situation when you are tempted to take someone’s actions to heart, remember these five simple tips.  Most of the time it’s not personal! 

Welcome to Gail’s Monthly Three; a short monthly list of my three favorite links from around the web.  Enjoy!

The Gottman Method is my preferred method for couples counseling because it's incredibility effective.  A really good book to read written by John Gottman is: Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Check out the Values Statement from The National Registry of Marriage Friendly Therapists.  I love this because it supports healthy marriage and not toxic ones!  Check out the National Registry of Marriage Friendly Therapist web site. While you’re there you can review my profile. 

As a Licensed Practitioner for Motivational Maps, I can’t say enough about this amazing tool.  A short, science-backed survey helps folks understand what's motivating them and how motivated they are. It makes the invisible visible!  

Happy Friday!  

Have you ever found yourself browsing your Facebook newsfeed before your feet have hit the floor in the morning?  I don’t know about you, but with my alarm clock on my phone and my charger next to my bed, it sure is easy to burn the first thirty minutes of my day scrolling through statuses and responding to comments!

One of the biggest challenges I face (and I have a hunch you might too) is the magnetic pull of social media first thing in the morning.  

As a therapist, I find myself talking a lot about healthy balance.  With the advent of social media and mobile devices, it’s easy to find ourselves inundated with information…and those pesky little red notifications.  When we’re not careful, the scales of balance start to tip towards our social media news feeds.   Before we know it,  we’ve surrendered our hot shower and healthy breakfast to Instagram or Facebook.  

Social media is part of the fabric of our lives, so it’s probably not practical to completely banish all social media use first thing in the morning.  At the same time, there are things we can do to start our day with social media in a balanced way.  

Here are my five tips on how to balance starting your day with social media:

1.)  Opt out of mobile notifications.  Those red notification badges that show up on our mobile apps can heighten our curiosity and create a false sense of urgency.  All mobile social media apps have settings in which you can opt out of those badges!  Use them!

2.)  Remove mobile apps.  If you want to take this one step further, you can remove social media apps on your mobile devices and save social media time for the computer only.  The barrier of sitting down to my laptop and logging in the old-fashioned way helps me control my impulse to constantly check my newsfeed.  I also find that I actually enjoy my social media time more when I’m sitting down with a cup of coffee at my desk during a special set-aside time.  
3.)  Set a timer.  If neither of the first two options are realistic for you, simply try setting a timer for ten or fifteen minutes on your phone and browse away under those warm covers!  When the timer goes off, it’s time to move! And by move, I mean get up and get out bed.  Don’t just move to another comfortable position in the bed. I know no one’s been guilty of this, just saying...ha!


4.)  Use it as a reward.  One method I’ve had a lot of success with is using my morning social media time as a reward.  I set a goal to be twenty minutes early to wherever I need to be.  Once I’ve finished my morning routine and arrived at my destination, I use those extra twenty minutes to relax and browse.  

5.)  Don’t use the nightstand to charge your phone.    A simple, yet effective way to find balance in the morning with social media is to simply get away from having your phone at your nightstand.   Set up your phone to charge at a different outlet in your room…or better yet, dust off your old digital alarm clock and charge your phone in another room altogether!  This is even better.  

Do you have any tips for balancing starting your morning with social media?  I would love to hear them!

There are many positive and inspirational sayings.  We see them in our social media feeds, calendar’s, cups and posters.  For me, this one works and gets me through every time.  The big reveal:

“I’ll cross that bridge when I get there!”


















To me this works because it keeps me grounded in the present. It helps me stay focused on the here and now.  I sometimes worry about the future.  And if not careful, one thought can lead to another and then another, and before long, I could be twenty years into the future.  Holy moly!  That’s not helpful! I don’t have any idea of what twenty years of life experiences are going to bring.  And neither do any of you reading this blog post.  Let’s face it, we really don’t know every single thing that could happen to us in any given week, month, year.  Thinking we can control it all is simply an illusion. 

If I do get caught up in worry with thinking about the future or any “What if’s” start creeping in, I keep this saying close by.  I still like index cards and Post-it notes; and of course, my every day journal that goes with me everywhere.   This is a saying that I write for myself and for others who I help.  It’s helpful, it’s grounding, and it keeps us where we are.  We are here, in this moment right now, with each other, doing the very best we can possibly do for our families, ourselves and other loved ones.  Try and see if it works for you when you mind is racing and you are jumping into the future or trying to solve a thousand “What if’s”.  What if you just said to yourself “I’m going to cross that bridge when I get there?” Keep saying over and over until you really feel it.  You’ll be glad you did.  

Feel free to drop me a line and let me know how it works for you. I’d love to get your take too.